Year End Blues

I frankly don’t think anyone other than me scans my blog for every update, and after this long absence of about 4 months I believe it now, even if that was not the case previously, it is the situation now. So I guess I don’t have to apologize to my readers very strenuously now, do I?

The first question a prospective reader would ask me, is why I abandoned my blog in its infancy? After it was only in January this year that I had started the blog. Plus I never kept up a stream of articles every few days (I always came up with one or two articles every month at max, as I maintain that quality matters over quantity).

My reply to this query would be, I had fallen very sick during my absence. Sick as not in life threatening, but sick as in painful. It was an extreme autoimmune reaction, which had me wishing for life threatening at some points. Yeah that extreme. Currently I am well on my way to recovery, and I intend to stay that way for the foreseeable future.

The year gone has not been a great one. I lost much faith in friends and family. Not only that, I actually had to let go of various people from my life. I spent my 19th birthday unable to get out of bed due to excruciating pain. I under-performed in academics consistently throughout the year. So I guess you got the short picture of what I went through.

There were highs too, obviously. But if I were to self-analyze, I think truthfully I won some battles and got my ass handed to me in the war. Yeah 2013 and now 2014. Seems like I am on a bad roll here, and believe me it’s not due to lack of effort on my side. Well actually a little bit. But if you were to insinuate that I made my own luck, I would have to object vehemently in that case.

You know what the real problem is? With everybody? Its expectations. From yourself, or from others. Everyone fails to deliver, yourself included. I realized that. Of late I even stopped visiting social media much, because I was getting sick of seeing achievement. People landing plush internships, getting high grades, uploading selfies with their partners, winning contests. Mirth and revelry all around. I saw them, and looked to myself. In comparison I had not one achievement on my list that could serve to forward my career in the long run, nor satisfy my emotional needs. I had high expectations from myself. I reached too far and fell.

It’s like I have the questions in front of me, and I know each and every one of the answers, and I keep staring at them until the time is up and I haven’t written a single answer. Then I reach home and after crying my heart out, I discover that I actually didn’t know most of the answers.

Well that was a rude awakening, but at least I am awake now. And if I am taking anything away from these two years, it’s that life is beginning for me. I am growing up and coming to terms with myself. As Joyce Carry said, “Growing up can be tough, whether at fifteen or fifty two.”